The lords of nothing in particular
by SexyStrawberry
Summary: Generlization not recommended. All comments welcome
1. Default Chapter Title

Dumbledore gets his!

(In the Boy's Rooms at Hogwarts)

Harry: Happy Birthday, me.

Ron: Happy birthday, Harry.

(Hermione bursts in and kisses Harry on the cheek)

Herm: Hi Harry! Er, hello Ron. (Goes red)

Neville: Hi Hermione! (Smiles expectantly)

Herm: Hello Neville, and no you don't get a kiss too!

(The wall crashes down and Voldemort enters)

Volde: Hi everybody!

Everybody: Hi Dr. Nick!

Bart Simpson: Oops! Wrong fic!

Herm: Hi Tom.

Volde: How are you Harry? Happy birthday. I got you something (hands him a present)

Harry: Thanks Tom. (Opens present) Wow! The book of non-Latin spells grade 5.67498294.

Volde: I though you might like a challenge over the holidays.

(Enter Luke, Matthew and Cathryn)

Luke: Hi Everybody!

Everybody: Hi Dr. Nick!

Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Herm: Hi Luke! (Blushes)

Ron: Hi Matthew. Finished that study of quantum fluctuations in the quadrant of nuclear life yet?

Matt: No not yet. I've been helping Cathryn do her muggle studies homework. She got confused on question 2,

Cat: You know, the one about how Muggles use nuclear power.

Ron: Oh that's easy. They use a reactor that transforms the…

Luke: Well Harry, 15 already. Here's a little something I made last night. (Hands over a cube of wood)

Harry: What the hell is that?

Luke: It's a bored cube. When you're bored, think of something you would like to do, or a place you would like to go, say 'Touch wood' and touch it. For a whole hour time in this dimension will stop, and you will be transported to the place, or what ever it is you want.

# Harry: Thanks Luke.

Ron: …is gay.

Herm: You know Harry, you could come down to the library with me after breakfast and we can read up on Parpweed and it's properties as an anaesthetic.

Harry: OK then.

Enter Mark, Beki, and Heather

Heather: For the last time Beki, I am not seeing things. He definitely had a bored cube. He made it last night.

Beki: Luke?

Luke: Yup

Beki: Do you have a bored cube?

Luke: Nope.

Beki: See Heather! I told you!

Luke: I gave it to Harry.

Heather: Haha!

Cat: Where's Celina, Mia, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny and Jenny?

Mark: Celina and Mia are in the great hall, Jenny is getting her make-up on, and there is only one Jenny.

Cat: What does Mia see in Matthew?

Matt: It must be my superior talent

Cat: (mutters) at mucking things up.

Mark: Heather, did you look at my web site 'http://www.markswebuk.cjb.net' yet? I did it using Macrosoft's new web site!

Heather: No, Mark (mutters something about curses and straightjackets)

Volde and Harry: Where is Ron?

Beki: Dunno but here comes Jenny

(Enter Jenny looking like a Goth at a funeral)

Jen: Wassup?

Luke: That skirt!

Mark: Yes. And what a pretty little skirt it is too!

Luke: Little being the operative word.

Mark: Shut up, Luke! I'm looking at Jenny's legs! Oh damn I said it!

Luke: It was obvious anyway.

Volde: Where's Beki gone?

Luke: In that cupboard with Ron.

Ron: What? Who said my name?

Luke: Ron? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

(Exits)

Beki: Luke? Come back before I break your… I mean please

Part II in a few days time!


	2. Default Chapter Title

Point and click

(In the great hall)

Mia: Oh, he's so dreamy! He's good at everything.

Celina: Yeah, including cock-ups!

Mia: That was only once.

Celina: Here he comes now

Mia: That's Luke.

Luke: Hi guys.

Celina: I hear you made Harry a bored cube.

Mia: That sounds cool. Can I have one on _my_ birthday Luke?

Luke: Yea.

(Enter everyone else except Voldemort)

Dumbledore: And now messages. Professor McGonnagall?

Prof. McG: First I would like to announce that it is Harry Potter's 15th birthday today. Secondly the monthly privileges:

Cathryn Ard, automatic curses

Luke Palmer, Point and Click method.

Dumbledore: Thank you, Professor McGonnagall, and now breakfast.

Beki: Luke, what's "point and click" when it's up and dressed?

Luke: it's when you point instead of using your wand.

Heather: What did you get that for?

Luke: I think it was for that time when I turned Draco Malfoy into Hermione and back again using my finger.

Herm: Yes that was impressive Luke.

Jenny: Get off me Mark!

Mark: Sorry.

(A green band surrounds Cathryn and she turns Mark into a frog and back)

Ron: That must be Cathryn's award setting in.

(Luke disappears in a cloud of purple smoke, then comes back followed by red sparks)

Luke: Let me see... (Points a finger at Harry)

Harry: (Slowly turning into a gnome) Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Harry: Right! Luke Palmer, I challenge you to a Wizard's duel. That means now. I choose Beki as my second.

Luke: Ah! I choose... Hermione.

- The duel -

Luke: OK, you can use your new non-Latin spells, and I'll use my finger sparks.

Harry: You go first.

Luke: (points a finger at harry)

Harry: Ha! Nothing! I expect you want me to go easy on you! Well I won't I w- I w- aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

(Harry falls onto the floor cringing painfully crying "Aaah! The acid!")

Luke: That takes care of that!

Beki: Now I shall finish you off: (reading)

Stuarts wore boots

And Georgians wore wigs,

Turn this boy into a pig!

Luke: (sarcastically) Swish swish.

Beki: Can I try again?

Luke: No. Scolopendra Gigantea!

(Thousands of giant centipedes emerge from the ground)

Beki: Stones of flint,

Flames of fire

I summon the great mistress

Of splurge!

Heather: That was an anticlimax!

Beki: there's ink over the page!

Harry: Ooh! That hurt.

Beki: You said Harry could only use non-Latin spells, but you didn't agree that I would! _Expelliarmus_!

(Luke is blasted back and knocked out)

Herm: My turn. _Avada Kedavra_!

(Beki's nose starts bleeding and she falls over)

Heather: That's showing her, Hermy!

Herm: Don't call me that! _Avada Kedavra_!

(Heather's nose starts to bleed and she staggers back)

Herm: Luke! Luke! Wake up! We won. I knocked the tart out.

Luke: Woohoo! Ouch!

(Later in a potions lesson)

Snape: ...is gay.

Luke: Wouldn't it be funny if that phial fell on her head? (Points and clicks)

Snape: Ouch! Can anyone tell me what Morkweed's properties are?

Cathryn: Is it a globular plant?

Snape: No, you silly girl. 5 points from Hufflepuff. Palmer?

Luke: It's a plant.

Snape: How witty. 10 points to Slytherin.

Beki: That's not fair!

Snape: All right, then. 15 points to Slytherin.

Luke: (whispers to Mark) watch this. (Points at Beki and her hair stands on end)

Mark: Ha ha!

(At lunch in the Slytherin common room)

Luke: (Arrogantly) Excuse me, 3rd year, coming through.

James: Hey! Watch it!

Luke: Are you going to make me?

James: No. I was just saying.

Jake: Watch who you're pushing, Palmer!

Luke: Sorry, Champion!

Jake: That's Jake to you!

Luke and Mark: Oooooh!

Mark: He's just bitter because Hermione turned him down.

Luke: Yea, for James.

James (in corner with Hermione) ***Inaudible whispers***

Herm: Come on. They'll think we've both gone to bed.

Part III in a few days!


	3. 

The Lords Return

The Lords Return

(In the great hall at dinner)

Mia: Hi Matthew.

Matt: Hi Mia.

(Enter Celina, Jake and James)

Jake: Come on, Celina! Just a quick one!

Celina (to James) Get this pervert away!

James: Okay, come on Jake. Time for bed.

Jake: Yes, I know, but she won't come!

James: On your own.

(Jake stomps off)

(Enter Luke and Beki)

Luke: Please!

Beki: Luke, for the last time, I won't sleep with you!

Mia: (Laughing) Go on Beki, you know you want to!

(Beki stomps off)

Luke: (sitting down) I never even asked her to! Hmmm. I won't sleep with Hermione, even if she begs me.

James: What do you mean? Hermione is my girlfriend!

Luke: What? She asked me out yesterday.

(Enter Hermione and Ron - right on queue.)

Herm: (seeing Luke and James staring at her) Bye, Ron!

(Hermione runs away)

James: (Running after Ron) I'll get that bastard!

Luke: Hello.

Mia: Hi:

Celina: You have blasphemed!

(Enter Draco and Cathryn holding hands)

Cathryn: Thank you, Draco, see you tomorrow.

(Exit Draco, blowing the occasional kiss)

Luke: Oh well… that only leaves Heather!

(Enter Heather - These ques are awful)

Heather: Before you ask, Luke, OK.

Luke: I haven't asked yet!

Heather: I love studying potions in the common room.

Mia: That wasn't what he was going to ask you.

Luke: Never mind it's a start.

Celina: (to Mia) He could always sleep with me.

Mia: Oh dear god!

Celina: Joking!

(Enter Matthew)

Matt: Hello, Mia my love.

(Dumbledore suddenly makes a puff of multi-coloured smoke)

Dumb: I have bad news. Prefects report to me.

(In Dumbledore's office) 

Dumb: Luke, go to the slythein common room, Beki, Hufflepuff, Harry, gryffindor, and Mia, ravenclaw.

Luke: why do we have to go to our common rooms and tell people, why can't he tell everyone about the Ahmad Bohr?

Mia: Dunno.

(In the great hall after everything has been said)

Dumbledore: Everyone calm down. The Ahmad Bohr are probably a myth, but just in case, you are going to sleep in here. Go and get your things from your common rooms and come back here by nine o'clock.

(In the Gryffindor common room)

(Voldemort appears in the fireplace but only Harry and Heather can see him)

Volde: I heard about the Ahmad Bohr.

Heather: ol' Bumblebee reckons they're just a myth.

Harry: We've been told to sleep in the hall so that the prefects can have a meeting. Slytherin are allowed to stay in their common room because of that git Luke Palmer protesting.

Heather: I thought you and Luke were best friends.

Harry: We are. That doesn't stop him being a git.

Volde: Be that as it may, the Ahmad Bohr are very powerful. Even Bumblebee knows it.

Wait until my next part, the last in the series.

PS. I am a git.

Also, if you're wondering about the cathryn-draco thing you'll find out what she thanked him for next episode.

If you want to know more about Bohr and the Ahmad Bohr, read my poem "Who's **Bohr**?"


End file.
